Oops, I did it again...?

 Fight with the boyfriend.
Bad cut. On the hip this time. I was with it enough to cut where it won't show in a swimsuit.

I'm not handling things properly.

I need to buy more tape. I shouldn't, but I do.

Hobby...but not the lobby kind

In a rare but recent fight Cory said "YOU NEED A HOBBY."
He's not wrong, but it hurt. Out of everything we said that is what sticks.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk to me, then we fight and he says something like "OK, lets attack Cory.! I'm dealing with a lot too! But you can add to my problems."
Not exact dialogue but that's the message I get.
After that he gets mean.

I don't know how to talk to him about my problems and what I need from him. Anything I say going to set him off. Or "don't try to talk to me like a therapist."

So should I wait until he has a good day to bring something up?? He'd be upset that I ruined his day.

We don't talk about things until somebody snaps, then nothing either one of us could say will be productive.

In the shower this morning I kept hearing "YOU NEED A HOBBY."

regis

"Larry King" sex machine."

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

My first best friend's grandmother just died. I want to send flowers but that's weird and I'm not really in the right mind to do such a thing. I do want to reach out and say hi. I don't know how.


I swear it sounds like Tim is out back beating a rug like in the old movies.

july

It's ridiculous how I've grown.
Looking back I see red flags and a girl so insecure it hurts.
Seabrook to Flip Flop. I started hurting myself at Flip Flop. I would try to do a basic tumbling pass and fail. Then I would scratch my ankle raw. I should write that story more eloquently but I just remember failing, sitting and scratching.
I was 12.
I'm honestly don't remember much from this time. I was so insecure. I weighed MAYBE 100lbs but hated my body.

I want to go back. I want to do it better.

friends and life

Not gonna lie...Cory is my best friend. I tell him everything and I trust him. I love just being with him. But I miss girls. Especially Erin and Ellen. I'm not really ready to start hanging out, but I know that when I am they will make time for me.
It is hard to be friends as an adult. And as an adult that is mentally interesting it is even harder.

I wish I had an off switch. I need my emotions to go away. I need to be an adult. I can't go around punching things whenever I get overwhelmed.

I am pulled in two directions...
1. Be an adult and get your shit together.
2. Be kind to yourself and work through it.

I don't know. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I won't have to take a shower.

6/2/20 dispatch

mcdonalds broken windows

fireworks 10:17

large group headed towards broadway bridge to nlr

60+ to sculpture garden

10:22 jumping off the bridge into la harp/doubletree area

We can push this crowd back over the bridge to nlr "we can squeeze them and make arrests"

10:25 fireworks and rocks behind bank of america

approx 50 suspects behind double tree
6 arrested

they gonna be trapped between dt and french (?) street

10:31 la harpe 15 in custody

live broadcasting tv reporter, "get her to safety"

40 ppl headed toward 7th 10:36

"are there any units that don't have a prisoner in custody"

they have bats or axe handles

drone them(??!?)  are the filtering out or going somewhere else?

they don't know if they are supposed to block west bound traffic on markham

transport diverted

no female transportation

forest and pulaski, markham and conway

 who is this and what's your 20?"

they came fom siloam, westfork, and springdale

protesters hiding in the bushes

over a hundred in custody at this time 11:13

they've been going around every group and asking the officers to kneel

state and capitol theres 3 of them

gimme a 21 when you get a chance

2 beligerent groups
just wanted to make it ok

ease the uniforms off the croud a little bit

lessen all the police presenct in the crowd
i don't know we are surrounded

we are clear at this pointbut they're following us out

golf clubs

thank yous

they're following us to the corner they wob

Felicia

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Seriously, FUCK YOU.
Emotional manipulative bitch.



LIES LIES LIES

Princess. Delusional.

elephant

My chest is an elephant habitat.
Inside there are tiny bitchy fairies. With feathers.
When the wind changes they tickle the elephants' feet. Then the glitter monkeys come.

This is anxiety.

Monkey's and hypothetical Beth

When I've been in group therapy I feel this guilt almost, because blah blah support system blah I'm lucky blah, so I automatically felt like I should be someone's rock, pulling them out of the dark, reminding them they are not alone, they are worthy of love, sometimes monkeys die, etc.

That's why I don't want to go to AA. I could go in carrying all my shit and baggage but I would leave worrying about Beth's kid's or where John will sleep tonight or whatever.

I don't know. I need a really good therapist.

Two less

Two less people in the world.
Two less people who smiled, laughed, cared...

Two people who lost the battle this weekend.

My heart is broken, my mind is a mess. I don't know how to stop this. Could I have stopped these two?


Reach out. Reach inside yourself and find your strength. Sometimes strength is just eating, or moving from the bed to the couch. Take care of yourself and to hell with other people. Good for the marathon runners, business owners, mothers and fathers...but if you woke up today you are winning.

Liver die

Alcoholic hepatitis.
My official diagnosis.

Scary, but...I did this to myself.
I was jaundice enough to look like an oompa loompa. Much of it has faded.
And as of now I am 17 days, 13 hours, and 22 minutes sober.

Be careful friends. Alcohol is not inherently bad, but I abused it.

the sound of...

Do you ever hear the silence?
I am sure there is a fancy scientific explanation, but when I am stressed it is there...not quite a buzz, not quite a hum...

My body hurts every morning. Nothing is wrong, it just...aches...I feel heavy, like I'm one of those really strong magnets, being sucked into the earth. I lie in bed, feeling my blood pulsing through me.
I might be a hypochondriac. I also have a throbbing in my right boob.

I need to fix this.
I need to be a better person.
I need to be a better friend.
I need to be an adult.

hmm

I secretly want to be a writer. I want to write about myself at least. That makes me sound like an egomaniac, but I just want to tell my story. I want my shit to help someone know they are not alone.
I keep this blog because I keep losing my current journals. I still have a lot though, I think the earliest is from 1991, so I was six. Rereading them is funny and painful at the same time. I was so angry for awhile. Mad at God, mad at the world, and mostly myself. I have come to a stalemate with God, and I have adjusted to the reality of never being who or what I want to be.

I might be a hypochondriac. I feel like I jump to conclusions about my health. I have had intermittent pain in my right breast for a few months. I still have a knot in my leg from when I hit it with a hammer a month ago.

My scars (literal and figurative) do not have to define me.

Dear Tigers

Dear Tigers,

I suppose I'm supposed to say something about the incredible education I received, how it put me ahead in life and whatnot.

I did get a great education. Probably not in the best major for me, but what's done is done. I also had a great time...not what you're thinking, just eating confetti cake at 2am, knolling, dance parties in our dorm, pranking our suitemates with a rubber lizard in the shower (still have him, his name is Thrilla).

But I went to one of those "Best of..." schools, so I was supposed to do something with my life. The truth is I now work a basic part time job and am on disability for mental illness issues. I feel like a failure. I hide when an old classmate comes into my store. I see these young pretty girls with t-shirts from my social club but feel too fat and unsuccessful to say anything because I am ashamed.

We are told that we can do anything...
But sometimes we can't. Sometimes we end up in a fight with God, sleeping too much, isolating ourselves, and feeling like we squandered our 'potential.' Sometimes we fail...and failing despite graduating from a great school just adds to the shame.

tbc...

SI

There is a shame with self-injury, but when I admit it I'm just told "don't do that."
No one asks why.

putting this here because I can't find my journal

"I live in the tension between extremes."

This will be the subtitle of my book.

I'm emotional tonight.
I am 34 and on disability because if I worked full time I'd probably end up in the hospital. Again. (unless I was an otter fluffer or cat cuddler)

I give all or nothing. I can't find normal.

Count your blessings, name them one by...oh look! A kitty!

Sometimes it is hard to think positive.
My hair is falling out due to stress so when I start to feel overwhelmed I distract myself...

I have an apartment (which is a serious mess).
I have a job (the department is drowning and I am responsible for too much, and accountable for other peoples' mistakes)
Kitties! ( mine won't cutddle, I admire the strays across the street (that need to be TNR'd)
Art (when was the last time I did anything. The gallery is going to drop me. I have too much shit everywhere)
Boyfriend (probably thinks I'm lazy, fat, weird)
Family (I don't see them enough, they spoil me)




I think the worst is when my mind can't connect with my body.

way too much information

Soooo...
I have HPV. The scary strain. Two scary strains actually.
I had a colposcopy a few days ago and I have "precancerous cells."
Now I get to have a LEEP procedure...

"LEEP stands for Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. It's a treatment that prevents cervical cancer. A small electrical wire loop is used to remove abnormal cells from your cervix. LEEP surgery may be performed after abnormal cells are found during a Pap test, colposcopy, or biopsy."

 This is TMI but I don't think anyone reads this anymore and I need an outlet.

happiness is a joke

I try to do whatever I can to make my friends happy...
But what makes them happy is making me unhappy.