I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't. . .

One thing my parents tried to teach me without really spelling it out was the idea that just because your income increases does not mean your standard of living has to.

This is hard. And I haven't really understood it, or wanted to, until recently.

Moving from my nice little sheltered apartment at Brightwaters to my current place (in the ghetto) allowed me to cut my rent by like 44% (maybe...I'm not so great at math, but nearly half). I knew I was giving up a lot of "luxuries," like a washer and dryer, dishwasher, etc. But there were a lot of changes I didn't expect, things I took for granted like drains that don't clog and toilets that don't sound like a jackhammer when flushed, not to mention Squirrelgate 2008...

But honestly, I love it. There are many reason, but for one, I've got multiple daily reminders that I'm not a princess, and I've learned just how self-sufficient I can be and how much I can do without.

'Tis the gift to be simple,
'tis the gift to be free,
'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.
-Shaker Song

But then I start to have a little extra money, and I think "Hey, I could buy a couch." And I could, a very cheap couch, but I could make it work. But with this couch, would I become a better person? No, probably not. I'd still be selfish with my time and space, I wouldn't become more hospitable.

Some things I don't understand:

• Paying more than $30 for a haircut (ok so I accidentally paid $50 once, but I was misinformed about how much it was going to be)
• $100 jeans
• $100 shoes
• Owning lots of expensive jewelry (wedding bands excluded, but those can get a little out-of-control too)

But then again, other people probably think I'm ridiculous for putting so much of my money into books and art supplies.

This has been and probably will always be an area that I need to improve on, but I think I can say that I'm at least moving in the right direction.

I sometimes wonder if I'm moving toward this on my own, rather than with my "community."
Materialism discussed in our lesson from Luke 6 last night, and I agree with everything that was said. I took it as both an encouragement and a challenge to live more simply. Even though I'm already focusing on this issue, I need reminders like this to sustain or revive that focus.

H o w e v e r . . . I feel like as a community there's a bit of tension between where we want our hearts to go and what we're doing to get there. The lesson ends, we sing a song, then listen to announcements about a retreat/weekend/thing that will cost $100, and some sort of event involving formal-wear, which definitely isn't cheap. . .

Granted, I don't know everything behind the scenes, and I don't really know the demographics of who we're trying to involve and reach out to. People with money need love and Jesus too, so on one hand, things like this make sense. And I recognize that most of what we've done in the past has been free, and I'm grateful for that. Last night was just a little ironic to me.


Today I met a man named Ricky. One moment we're talking about where he could buy a dresser for his daughter, the next minute we're talking about ministry. Random, but good. He told me about some things his church does, like going around town and picking up homeless men and women, taking them back to the church, giving them a meal, sometimes a haircut, playing games, and just hanging out. Thats love.

He asked me about my church, what I was involved in there. . .
"Um, well, uh...we've worked with Our House, and I've done some stuff at the Compassion Center..."

I wish I had more to tell him.
Sure, we've got people doing this and that, but it all seems to be tied to one or two individuals that are already doing something. I'd love to have something that we say, as a community, "We're doing this. This is where we're going to pour our energy, time, money, love, etc... And we're going to keep doing it, not just one weekend or a day here and there."

But, this is no excuse for my own personal need to get off my bum and live the love I claim to have.Oh but grace...


Bryce Avary says it well:

Turn, look, look out and see
Do you see me?
Because I think I see you.
I've been some other place
The wind that I chase, it all just leads back to you.
Oh how I'm still, so still, it's sobering, but still I ran.
I knew you when I was young
But where am I now that I'm a man?

Run to you, I will run, I will run.
I will move right on through
All of these things that I have done.
And you'll take me back, I don't know why.
I want to say I'll never do it again,
But I can't, but I will try.

Turn, look, look out and see
Do you see me?
Because I think I see you.
I've been some other place
The wind that I chase, it all just leads back to you.
Oh how I miss what you miss, but I will fall time and again.
And I will say that I'm true to you,
But I'm a cheat. I don't understand.

So I'll run to you, I will run, I will run.
I will move right on through
All of these things that I have done.
And you'll take me back, I don't know why.
I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't
I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't
I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't
But I will try.
(Run to You, The Rocket Summer)