A twitter-gram/graham

Twitter isn't just good for stalking. Fakejasonboyett is the best kind of funny - random, full of great culture references (Foreigner, noodle soup, unicycles...), and quick. I'm surely not the only one who feels too busy/A.D.D. to read long, satirical blogs just to get a laugh. Make me laugh in 140 characters and you're a rockstar.
Here are a few of my favorites:









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I bought seven boxes of graham crackers today. I'll probably finish them off by Wednesday.


Supposedly graham crackers were invented by a guy in the 1800s who thought you should eat bland foods to curb your sexual appetite. . . but apparently the recipe has changed, sorry Rev. Graham. At least his trend of frequent bathing stuck.

Legit Skills, right?

Seriously, why can't I include "able to sing along to every song on The Little Mermaid" to my resume???

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”

[title quote credited to Douglas Adams]

I don't expect life to be problem-free, and that's not what I'm asking for. . . but is there someone I can talk to about a trade? Someone that can take x number of my current problems and give me x number of new ones.

Coming home to the same problems day after day for so long is exhausting...confining almost. I feel suffocated.

A voice inside me shouts, "You have a problem? Well fix it!"
But its not always that easy. Its not always within my capabilities to fix, and that frustrates me like nothing else.

So I wait. But too often I relate waiting to doing nothing. I watched Fireproof the other night (beginning to redeem myself as a good little baptist) and the best thing I took from it was this song, While I'm Waiting, by John Waller.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Not breaking any new grounds theologically I guess, but I need the reminder.

only $1.40 one-way

I thought a lot about things as I sat in the 32 degree weather waiting on the bus. . .

Actually no, I didn't. I mostly thought about how cold I was. Which was really, really cold. I waited for nearly 20 minutes then rode an hour+ to get home around 4pm. I finally felt like my body temperature returned to normal about three and a half hours later.

Yeah, I'm a whimp. But I did what I needed to do. I wish I could give a humorous commentary on the whole day but anxiety has overshadowed my ability to be clever.

So, fye, a throwback tune that sums up the beginning of my public transportation adventure...

Kris Kross - I Missed The Bus (Official Music Video) - For more funny movies, click here

spasmodic

spas·mo·dic:
resembling a spasm or spasms; sudden but brief; sporadic


Provigil made this girl crazy...


Yeah, I've taken that.
Hmmm...







I feel like I've been working nonstop, so its nice to have a light week (sort of). It takes me a day and a half to recover from working a full week, then there's laundry to do, etc...



I'm considering setting up an etsy account to sell some of the cutsier things I've made, the most recent being this:

(Why is it so difficult for me to take quality pictures of this stuff?)
But I might be too lazy (translated: afraid nothing would sell).



I almost feel guilty about selling certain books on amazon. For instance, Tim LaHaye's Transforming Your Temperament. Its crap. It was a waste of money. I don't want it. But do I want to be responsible for putting something I know is junk in someone else's hands?




Can you rebel from yourself?
Withdrawl or avoidance? Laziness?



Apparently, "repositional paper adhesive" is craftese for "will not wash off skin." My fingers are sticking to the keyboard. And I didn't even mean to use this stuff.




February 3: New album by The Fray.

I mentioned The Fray to a girl at work and she hadn't heard of them. What?!? See, thats why I don't wanna have kids--quality artistry is replaced by SpongeBob and Pull-Ups.




...finally, a guilty pleasure:

what a week, part 1 (of 1?)

This is long, but its been a week worth talking about (in my little world at least).


Let's got back in time...

Monday (November 17) started a 3 day trip that I didn't ask to experience. It didn't hit til I left my apartment around 2. Driving to Wal-Mart never took that much effort before. I felt drugged, disconnected, a mess...The chaos of Wal-Mart didn't help, my head was floating one minute and spinning the next. I got my shopping done and went home, not really concerned, more annoyed. I went to work, but just driving, again, was a challenge. Every few moments I had to stop and refocus, ask myself where I was. Not surprisingly, work didn't go well. I ended up leaving early (but managed not to have a complete breakdown next to the pipe cleaners and pompoms).

Tuesday I didn't actually left my apartment til 7ish (some could say its laziness, I call it recovery/survival). Again, compeletely disconnected.

Wednesday my mom was here, so I actually got out around lunchtime, but no change. We were trying to cross the street to go eat and I nearly walked in front of several cars. My mind couldn't complete the process of stop, look, wait, time it, then go. A few hours later I called my doctor and he said to cut my sleep meds to a fourth of what I'd been taking. My current dosage wasn't working that well, so cut back that much scared me.

Wednesday night was not good (obviously). I was overwhelmed with anxiety about going back to work Thursday night...what if I still felt bad? What if I freaked out in the middle of everything? What if this never went away?

(ok, quick[ish] background: awhile back a friend told me a local venue had a TWLOHA event on its calendar for November 20th. I was a little suspicious because it wasn't on the TWLOHA official calendar them, so I posted something about it on a forum and was told (by official folks) that they didn't have an Arkansas events planned. So I dismissed it as a weird mistake on the clubs website. And of course, when my boss called and asked if I could work that night I said yes.)

Back to Wednesday...I was bumming around on the internet and ended up looking at TWLOHA's calendar, and there it was...Little Rock, AR: Purpose for the Pain tour with Between the Trees performing and Rene Yohe, author of Purpose for the Pain, speaking.

I was mad...and sad...and frustrated...disappointed...on top of all the anxiety I was already feeling about work, drama/worrry about insurance stuff, etc etc etc...it was too much. Emotional overload. Although I've been getting better, every day takes so much effort just to stay on this side of the line, to keep trying. Constantly forcing myself to cling to hope left me inable to deal with it, no matter how trivial a little dissappointment may seem.

I couldn't even cry. I sat, squeezing my eyes shut, and just kind of shut down. I lost what tiny piece of hope I had.

So I went to bed. Sleep came and went, but as always, time eases pain and helps one regain a better perspective.

Part 2, "a Thursday I didn't expect," coming soon...maybe...

how

Here's an idea. . . drive to a park, pull out a journal, turn on Mark Shultz He Will Carry Me. . . and write.

Page after angry page.

Mostly questions...still unanswered.

There's the obvious question of "why?"
But after that echoes into empty silence, then come the "how?"

How do I keep going?

How do I speak about the goodness of God while my own live shows no trace?

How do I explain to my family and friends? And how do I accept it when they can't understand?

How do I praise God and still accept how much anger I have toward my Creator?

How do I speak of hope to others while constantly feeling doomed?

How do I learn to feel sorrow over tragic stories, instead of envy?

And sometimes, how in the world do I stop crying and live despite the pain and uncertainty?







I've got new (old) meds. . . going back to the last thing that worked.

overboard

Overboard, by Matthew

Monsters on the shore are getting nearer
Smoke and scream and fire
I don't remember when infection came into the healer
Voices in my head say it's now or never

Overboard. . . let me fall from the death and slumber
Just pretend you're sailing, safely. . . throw me overboard

Zombie heads on cold, plastic shoulders
Faces only hide the brooding fear

Overboard. . . let me fall. . . to the waters. . . catch me
Come into me. . . floating, still. . . and safer, overboard

We're all so far away
We lie beneath the stars
No one ever told you. . . you're free

Overboard. . . let me fall. . . from the death and slumber. . .
Just pretend you're sailing safely. . .
Throw me overboard...
Let me fall. . . to the waters. . .
Catch me. . . come into me. . .
Floating, still. . . and safer. . .

Overboard

Except for the running naked through the forest, there's not a lot I miss.

I've mentioned some of my pet peeves before, and I realize that the reasons behind most of these are irrational and self-centered, but acknowledging that doesn't make them disappear.

So, with that disclaimer, another irrational rule for interaction with the drc:

#22: Don't doubt my street smarts.

For example, don't tell me I should walk with with a guy in what you see as a sketchy neighborhood.  Did I miss the day in school when we discussed the bullet-proof qualities of boys?  Sorry guys, you're still gonna bleed if you get shanked.

"There is safety in numbers."  Sure, kinda.  But a crowd attracts attention, and two people can be mugged just about as easily as one.

Whats the worst that could happen?  Cat calls (also known as getting "holla'd at"), strange looks, getting hit up for money, and, well...not much else. 

I've walked alone in the ghetto.  I've walked alone in the ghetto after dark.  I live alone(ish) in the ghetto(ish).  I've had a few interesting encounters at to the Crackerbox on Olive Street in PB (like when the one-eyed man offered me a lawnmower).  A guy tried to sell me drugs and used Mardi Gras beads outside the gas station on Broadway (which, by the way, closes way to early).  I could go on, but most of these stories are way funnier in person when I can do the voices.  Ask me about pampers and the collection agency vacuum sometime.

Telling me not to walk alone is like pushing me out of the car and driving away.  Ok, not the best analogy. . . The point is, I'm going to rebel just to prove you wrong.  I tend to do things just to prove I can, especially when it involves traveling rather long distances without a car (ice storm, post-prom, etc. . .). 

Not exactly the picture of meekness, eh?

If I'm honest, I don't really want to change.  I like taking certain risks (but only the ones that put my physical well-being in danger, if it affects me mentally/emotionally-I'm out). 

Good gosh I hope I don't have a daughter like me.  I know people have only good intentions when they express concern for the safety of myself and other females, thats what makes this an irrational pet peeve.  I know I'm being ridiculous, but c'est moi.  Remember the tshirts/stickers/buttons that said "Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet"? 

Yeah.

(at least its not Precious Moments)

Currently playing (over and over and over and...): Carry Me Through by Dave Barnes

This song is most definitely amazing.  Miss Ellie and I may be obsessed (but not as obsessed as she is with unnamed author:

Yeah, I love him.  In an 'I don't know him, but he makes me laugh so he can't be all that bad and he also has pictures on his website smoking cigarettes so he hates "The Man" (meaning, of course, the fundamentalist groups not THE THE MAN (aka Christ....I don't know why the KJV doesn't call him that name.))'  Yeah. I love him in that way.')

Also currently playing: A throwback podcast: Making Sense of. . . Work, or Why I am a Corporate Diva by Day, Crafty Macgyver by Night or Finding Spiritual Significance While Sitting in a Cube or Maybe You Should Be Working D, Not Blogging

Just another night in the ghetto

I really do love my neighborhood.



I was late to church tonight, of course. As I was walking from my car a man called out to me and asked for money. I told him the truth, I didn't think I had any cash on me. After looking through my purse I told him I was sorry, I didn't have anything. Oh a whim, I asked if he wanted to come to a church service. He said he really just wanted to find something to eat, he hadn't in two days. I told him I'd check in my car but I couldn't guarantee anything. While we walked back to my car he told he he was trying to find a job but was having trouble because he just got out of jail. I told him Our House had some kind of work program but he said he'd tried that but wasn't able to find a job in the required time period so they kicked him out of the program. I gave him a handful of quarters that my mom had given me for laundry. I told him it wasn't much but it was my laundry money. He hesitated and asked if it was going to mess me up. I told him I could hand wash what I needed. He thanked me and I told him he was welcome to come to Epoch if he ever wanted to. He repeated the time and location and we parted ways.*



Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little. - Edmund Burke



After church I went to the car wash. A man approached me and asked if he could help. I declined, telling him I'd rather do it myself and that I kinda enjoyed it. He laughed and said he wished he saw more women like that. I said my daddy taught me right, he said he wished his dad had done that. He walked away, still chuckling, repeating "Yeah, I wish I saw more women like that."



If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
- Emily Dickinson



*During church I replayed this in my mind, wondering if I did the right thing or what I could have done differently. Should I have skipped church and gotten him something to eat? Probably. Maybe I should have told him I'd get him whatever he wanted if he'd come to church with me (there's something sketchy about that, despite my genuine intentions).

I keep saying I'm going to keep granola bars or something in my car for situations like this, but I've let that slide. Giving someone cash is risky, so tonight I decided to get some grocery store gift cards to keep in my wallet. If you'd like to donate to drc's love-your-neighbor-gift-card fund, feel free :).

$10...a movie, or a meal for someone who hasn't eaten in 2 days?


Only a life lived for others is a life worth while.
- Albert Einstein


We sang this today:




Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.



To honestly pray that takes courage and faith, but in the words of William Carey, "Expect great things from God, attempt great things for God."
(Thanks to Dr. Carter for that one)

This is Home

This is an amazing song.

I've got my memories They're always inside of me But I can't go back Back to how it was
I believe now I've come too far No I can't go back Back to how it was
Created for a place I'll never know
This is homeNow I'm finding where I belong Where I belongYeah this is homeI've been searching for a place of my ownNow I've found itMaybe this is homeYeah this is home
Belief over misery I've seen the enemy And I won't go back Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next I got my eyes wide It's not over yet We're miracles And we're not alone
And now, after all my searching After all my questions I'm going to call it home I got a brand new mindset I can finally see the sunset I'm going to call it home Oh
Now I know This is home
I've come too far And I won't go back Yeah, this is home

These words are huge to me. I love reading through old journals and seeing how my life has changed, and I'm always struck by God's faithfulness. The craziness of live seems to increase and build upon itself, each year outdoing the previous, but despite it all He is constant.

I'm so full of questions right now, and in searching for answers I only seem to produce more questions. But its good. In the middle of the messes and uncertainty about who I am, I've found home. This is my life, this is my journey, this is my home. . . I belong to Him.


"Belief over misery"
This has been a major theme for me over the past year or so. The foundation for my faith cannot be my circumstances. Life hurts sometimes, but like John Waller says, "You and I choose to believe."


"I got my heart set on what happens next I got my eyes wide It's not over yet"
I struggle with being overwhelmed by the present. Even tonight, as I saw my gas gauge sink below the empty mark and wondered what I was going to do since I'm currently wallet-less and most gas stations don't take checks (not around my ghetto at least). Then I began to think about the growing pile of paper on my desk and all the junk at work lately, and also about payday being a week away and wondering if I'm going to make it. . . But then I found a box of macaroni in my kitchen, which I took as a reminder of God's gracious provision (I had resigned myself to eating oatmeal, so this was a very exciting discovery. It was shapes too!)




Side note: Song writers are some of the people I admire most. To create something that speaks so deeply to the soul of so many people is a phenomenal ability. Music itself is one of life's most precious yet overlooked blessings, but that's a post for another day my friends.

I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't. . .

One thing my parents tried to teach me without really spelling it out was the idea that just because your income increases does not mean your standard of living has to.

This is hard. And I haven't really understood it, or wanted to, until recently.

Moving from my nice little sheltered apartment at Brightwaters to my current place (in the ghetto) allowed me to cut my rent by like 44% (maybe...I'm not so great at math, but nearly half). I knew I was giving up a lot of "luxuries," like a washer and dryer, dishwasher, etc. But there were a lot of changes I didn't expect, things I took for granted like drains that don't clog and toilets that don't sound like a jackhammer when flushed, not to mention Squirrelgate 2008...

But honestly, I love it. There are many reason, but for one, I've got multiple daily reminders that I'm not a princess, and I've learned just how self-sufficient I can be and how much I can do without.

'Tis the gift to be simple,
'tis the gift to be free,
'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.
-Shaker Song

But then I start to have a little extra money, and I think "Hey, I could buy a couch." And I could, a very cheap couch, but I could make it work. But with this couch, would I become a better person? No, probably not. I'd still be selfish with my time and space, I wouldn't become more hospitable.

Some things I don't understand:

• Paying more than $30 for a haircut (ok so I accidentally paid $50 once, but I was misinformed about how much it was going to be)
• $100 jeans
• $100 shoes
• Owning lots of expensive jewelry (wedding bands excluded, but those can get a little out-of-control too)

But then again, other people probably think I'm ridiculous for putting so much of my money into books and art supplies.

This has been and probably will always be an area that I need to improve on, but I think I can say that I'm at least moving in the right direction.

I sometimes wonder if I'm moving toward this on my own, rather than with my "community."
Materialism discussed in our lesson from Luke 6 last night, and I agree with everything that was said. I took it as both an encouragement and a challenge to live more simply. Even though I'm already focusing on this issue, I need reminders like this to sustain or revive that focus.

H o w e v e r . . . I feel like as a community there's a bit of tension between where we want our hearts to go and what we're doing to get there. The lesson ends, we sing a song, then listen to announcements about a retreat/weekend/thing that will cost $100, and some sort of event involving formal-wear, which definitely isn't cheap. . .

Granted, I don't know everything behind the scenes, and I don't really know the demographics of who we're trying to involve and reach out to. People with money need love and Jesus too, so on one hand, things like this make sense. And I recognize that most of what we've done in the past has been free, and I'm grateful for that. Last night was just a little ironic to me.


Today I met a man named Ricky. One moment we're talking about where he could buy a dresser for his daughter, the next minute we're talking about ministry. Random, but good. He told me about some things his church does, like going around town and picking up homeless men and women, taking them back to the church, giving them a meal, sometimes a haircut, playing games, and just hanging out. Thats love.

He asked me about my church, what I was involved in there. . .
"Um, well, uh...we've worked with Our House, and I've done some stuff at the Compassion Center..."

I wish I had more to tell him.
Sure, we've got people doing this and that, but it all seems to be tied to one or two individuals that are already doing something. I'd love to have something that we say, as a community, "We're doing this. This is where we're going to pour our energy, time, money, love, etc... And we're going to keep doing it, not just one weekend or a day here and there."

But, this is no excuse for my own personal need to get off my bum and live the love I claim to have.Oh but grace...


Bryce Avary says it well:

Turn, look, look out and see
Do you see me?
Because I think I see you.
I've been some other place
The wind that I chase, it all just leads back to you.
Oh how I'm still, so still, it's sobering, but still I ran.
I knew you when I was young
But where am I now that I'm a man?

Run to you, I will run, I will run.
I will move right on through
All of these things that I have done.
And you'll take me back, I don't know why.
I want to say I'll never do it again,
But I can't, but I will try.

Turn, look, look out and see
Do you see me?
Because I think I see you.
I've been some other place
The wind that I chase, it all just leads back to you.
Oh how I miss what you miss, but I will fall time and again.
And I will say that I'm true to you,
But I'm a cheat. I don't understand.

So I'll run to you, I will run, I will run.
I will move right on through
All of these things that I have done.
And you'll take me back, I don't know why.
I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't
I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't
I want to say I'll never do it again, but I can't
But I will try.
(Run to You, The Rocket Summer)

Water water everywhere, but what?

I've listened to this song so many times, but today I finally heard it...

Island, Mainstay



In an old apartment waiting for the walls to move

Praying that someone, hoping that no one intrudes

Living like an actor, feeling like a poet bruised

But no man is an island

Lay down your robe, leper or rogue, keep yourself open here

Don’t let the cold close to your soul, lonely tonight

Passing like a shadow never letting anyone see
Maybe I’m biased but I don’t think you know the first thing about me
Lay down your robe, leper or rogue, keep yourself open here
Don’t let the cold close to your soul, no one is free come light
Heavier stones think themselves, that they’re alone here
But everyone grieves and everyone feels lonely tonight
Don’t tell me you know, when I know you don’t

Behind the Song:
"During the fall of 2006 while we were writing this record, I read a book that I will never forget - Ernest Hemingway’s “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” This book (inspired partially by one of John Donne’s poems) shows the depth of human connectivity amongst people who consider themselves loners, outsiders, and detached from the world around them. Being one of those people that often feels so misunderstood, depressed, and internalized, it had a profound effect on me, teaching me to turn to others around me and open up; to drink deeply from human experience, but not isolate myself from those around me. This song is a call to all those who feel lonely and alone in the world, to turn to others and realize that so many people feel like them in their most private moments. It is a call to self-dubbed “lepers” and “rogues” to open up from their reclusion and feel lonely - together. Naturally, like so many of my lyrics, this song is aimed at myself." - Justin Anderson
(from JesusFreakHideout.com)

No man is an island?

Hmm...

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee…

-John Donne

Eh? I don't know that I agree. These lines from the movie About a Boy make more sense to me.

In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age.

Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island CHAINS. Underneath, they are connected...

-Will

We are connected, but we choose to be islands. Our own pride divides us, like water separates one island from another. We ignore the underlying connections until they're buried so deep that they seem to disappear.

We're connected...so why is there still so much junk? Hate, shame, hurt, fear...





je ne sais pas






(My favorite island, Sumatra)

Pass the kleenex please...

I'm not positive, but I think this little guy is to blame for my current health condition:






No fun sir, no fun at all.




So, last night I managed to put on my big-girl panties and go to a new(ish) church by myself. It was good, all of it...the worship, the message, and that I made myself go.

We sang "Clinging to the Cross," which was a new one to me, but I was nearly floored after just the first verse. It was one of those songs that just resonated with the truth of my heart thats been buried by so much junk lately.
Nothings changed, but there's something about being honest before God that makes that hopeful speck of light at the end of the tunnel a little brighter.

My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail

Singing in such a beautiful big, open room was like signing in the shower (but with about 75 other people and a band, so not exactly like a shower...unless you count that one time in Mexico, but I promised Ruth I wouldn't bring that up again...).


When I left the sky was amazing, but by the time I got my camera I'd missed most of the good stuff.

FYI, Music You Should Hear, & A Jumbled Ramble

A Few of D's Laws

#64: Once you've graduated you're no longer allowed to call it "spring break," its now called "vacation" (the exception being teachers, they're pretty much all saints in my eyes so they can call it whatever the flip they want)
Breaks are given, vacations are taken.

#72: If you have significantly large boobs that are even close to face-level on me, do not expect a full frontal hug. Thats just the way it is.

#80: Headphones+Singing in a room full of cubicles=Seriously? You should know better...





Let's play a game...Its called "Go listen to these songs"
Ready?

• Run to You, The Rocket Summer
• Blanket of Ghosts, Dustin Kensrue
  (also try Pistol and I Knew You Before)
• Catch Your Fall, Gavin Mikhail
• Overboard, Matthew
• Amazing Because It Is, The Almost

Go.



I read this somewhere the other day:

...hanging out with people who i agree with, people who think the same as me, people who are like me, makes a clique not a community... (Paul Mayers)

Think about that.
I'm the worst at community. Honestly, people exhaust me. But I know that we were created for relationships, so I'm trying.
Still, I get so fed up with the complacency. I see people who have no desire to connect with anyone different. Then there are others who are content with the small group they've surrounded themselves with, and never consider the possibility of new relationships.

But I don’t think a network of friends necessarily equals a living, breathing community of people. Come to think of it, most of my friends don’t even know each other. I can bounce from one friend to another—or one group to another—without a second thought. Even my church feels like a nice weekly gathering of people I barely know. I am not surrounded by a tightly woven web of people who experience life together. (Amy Simpson)

Busyness, insecurity, and just general self centered thinking are our roadblocks.

The answer?
If I knew, I might not be sitting alone right now, typing my thoughts to a faceless (and possibly nonexistent) audience. I'd probably be sharing my heart and life with someone else. . . connecting.

I wish people didn't make me claustrophobic.
I wish I didn't have walls.
I wish I could stop running away.

I've got a feeling, it's hard to explainFeels like the devil rents a room in my brain
The things I'm ashamed of, feel like dear old St Paul
The things that I wanna do, I don't do at all