hmm

I secretly want to be a writer. I want to write about myself at least. That makes me sound like an egomaniac, but I just want to tell my story. I want my shit to help someone know they are not alone.
I keep this blog because I keep losing my current journals. I still have a lot though, I think the earliest is from 1991, so I was six. Rereading them is funny and painful at the same time. I was so angry for awhile. Mad at God, mad at the world, and mostly myself. I have come to a stalemate with God, and I have adjusted to the reality of never being who or what I want to be.

I might be a hypochondriac. I feel like I jump to conclusions about my health. I have had intermittent pain in my right breast for a few months. I still have a knot in my leg from when I hit it with a hammer a month ago.

My scars (literal and figurative) do not have to define me.

way too much information

Soooo...
I have HPV. The scary strain. Two scary strains actually.
I had a colposcopy a few days ago and I have "precancerous cells."
Now I get to have a LEEP procedure...

"LEEP stands for Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. It's a treatment that prevents cervical cancer. A small electrical wire loop is used to remove abnormal cells from your cervix. LEEP surgery may be performed after abnormal cells are found during a Pap test, colposcopy, or biopsy."

 This is TMI but I don't think anyone reads this anymore and I need an outlet.

assault I guess

The first time was in college. We went to swim at the lake at night (yeah, I know...a bad decision by me). He pulled the bottom of my swimsuit down. Later, he 'taught' me some 'state' game, where he put his hand on my thigh and said "guess what state I'm in." Every wrong guess meant he moved his hand up my thigh.

Next(ish) was a snow day. Some people in my apartment complex hit a sign and woke me (and probably everyone) up. I went out to check on them. They invited me to come over. There was alcohol. A guy walked me home (about 20 feet), then invited himself in. He kissed me and stuck his hand down my pants.



These were at least fifteen and seven years ago.

I didn't get that it was "wrong." I just knew I didn't want it to happen.


More to come, unfortunately....

CAN YOU NOT????

MEN ARE TERRIBLE.

One minute you're having a dance party, the next minute you have a[n unwanted] hand down your pants.

Next up in the DRC show...

I might be sick. Really sick. What was the flu now might be effin hepatitis...???
How in hell would I get hepatitis??
My important liver levels are off the charts though.
A year ago things were normal. Now I'm facing something terrifying and I have to wait until tomorrow afternoon for more tests. I've been crying all night.

I've been on serious antidepressants, antipsychotics, etc for 18 years. Often they were prescribed by shitty doctors who didn't know what was wrong with me but were too busy/too restricted to take the time to find out. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the state of modern medicine. Mental health is overlooked until it becomes a physical problem that may not be able to be reversed.

I'm jumping to conclusions, but when a doctor throws out words like "hepatitis" and "cancer" I tend to freak out.

If it's cancer I'm moving to Cali and exercising my right to die.

what is force?

 "You're manipulating the situation in a way that gives no one a way out. That's force. Look it up."

Gilmore girls season one, episode 3 "Kill Me Now"
Totally taken out of context but this is my life right now.

Something happened, with a guy...It scared me.
I am fine, I handled it.

But emotionally I'm a little messed up. My recall is fuzzy (screw you angry orchard). On the same night I was an asshole to a guy I am lucky to call a friend. I hate myself for that. I hate that I got myself in this kind of situation.

I said no when it was time...and I physically followed through (hence my soreness). I stood up for myself. I stopped something that could have ended terribly.




I can't deal, but I'm telling everyone I'm ok. I'm a f*#king liar.
I think "call E, go sleep on her couch," but I can't. All I do is sleep.

Rawr. A rant.

So many facebook posts are about "faith in humanity restored" and feature an old person or someone with special needs. Why is it news when we are kind? Why are we shocked? Why do we ask for congratulations for treating humans like humans? Yes, it's great that you did something compassionate, but I wish that it were the norm, not a news-worthy exception.