putting this here because I can't find my journal

"I live in the tension between extremes."

This will be the subtitle of my book.

I'm emotional tonight.
I am 34 and on disability because if I worked full time I'd probably end up in the hospital. Again. (unless I was an otter fluffer or cat cuddler)

I give all or nothing. I can't find normal.

Count your blessings, name them one by...oh look! A kitty!

Sometimes it is hard to think positive.
My hair is falling out due to stress so when I start to feel overwhelmed I distract myself...

I have an apartment (which is a serious mess).
I have a job (the department is drowning and I am responsible for too much, and accountable for other peoples' mistakes)
Kitties! ( mine won't cutddle, I admire the strays across the street (that need to be TNR'd)
Art (when was the last time I did anything. The gallery is going to drop me. I have too much shit everywhere)
Boyfriend (probably thinks I'm lazy, fat, weird)
Family (I don't see them enough, they spoil me)




I think the worst is when my mind can't connect with my body.

way too much information

Soooo...
I have HPV. The scary strain. Two scary strains actually.
I had a colposcopy a few days ago and I have "precancerous cells."
Now I get to have a LEEP procedure...

"LEEP stands for Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. It's a treatment that prevents cervical cancer. A small electrical wire loop is used to remove abnormal cells from your cervix. LEEP surgery may be performed after abnormal cells are found during a Pap test, colposcopy, or biopsy."

 This is TMI but I don't think anyone reads this anymore and I need an outlet.

Fail

Cleaning, consolidating...

Should I file my SSI paperwork under "f" for "fuck up," or "l" for "loser,..." Hmmmm...
Perhaps "s" for "shame?"

sleep is good (so I hear)

10:30pm - Lunesta #1

11:30pm - Lunesta #2

Midnight - Ativan

2:00am - over the counter sleep aid and another half of an Ativan

between 3 & 4am - sleeeeep.........



I was supposed to work a nine hour shift today...yeah, thats not happening. Lets try 5.5.

oh, it's June...

Sorry things have been so dark.

I'm ok...not great, but functioning and I still have a bit of hope.

I'm getting old, and that's scary. Not aging really, just realizing that I still don't have anything figured out.

I want the world to be better, but sometimes/usually I just want to be alone.
How can I make a difference as a hermit?

How do I love from a distance?



It's June...and that makes me worry about my friend June. Is she alright? Where's she staying? Is she sober?

Mr. Sandman and I are at war

I haven't slept well in nearly 2 months.  Benadryl, ativan, melatonin, klonopin, audiobooks...nothing works.  Last night I started contemplating ways to hang myself because I was so miserable and out of my mind.  I called my mom around 2am, weeping, but still no luck.  Finally I went outside, rode my bike a bit, pitched a tent and finally slept a couple hours.  Came back in around 7 and "slept" til noon.

This is not normal, and definitely not ok.

life's a deli...

...and I'm stuck in a sandwich of chaos.

This sub starts with a slice of unnecessary loudness, courtesy of the woman living below me and her many visitors.  I seriously can't figure this lady out.  I hear (and occasionally see) people coming and going at all hours of the day and night.  She might be incapable of having a conversation while keeping her voice at a socially acceptable volume.  I find myself wanting to yelling into the floorboards, "WHY ARE YOU YELLING??!?"  [as of now I've only actually done this once and it seemed to have no affect on the situation]

In the role of the top of the sandwich we have the squirrels (exact number undetermined).  A few months ago the rain gutters on the front of my building tried unsuccessfully to disassociate themselves with the rest of the building (who can blame them?).  As a result they are now only partially attached and the fascia (see below) has been ripped off in some areas.

Here's mine:

It looks like my attic threw up.

The scampering and scratching is bad enough, but this morning I noticed a faint crying, almost mewing.  So either they're procreating or torturing something.  Either way, not ideal.

Last time I talked to my landlord he said he'd passed this problem on to somebody, but I think its time to give him another call.

with my mind on my money and my money on my mind

I hate money.

More specifically, I hate my dependence on money and my seemingly constant deficiency.


I know that I am a spoiled/blessed American who doesn't truly understand what it means to go without something I need, but that knowledge does not make it any easier to open my mailbox and face the reality of balances and due dates and expiration notices.

I'm not asking to be a kept woman, I would simply like the opportunity to work hard, doing something I feel good about, and earn enough to pay the bills.

My one-year anniversary at my current job is in a few weeks, and I can honestly say that I like my job. Some days are bad, I let it stress me out too much, but all in all, I like it.

I don't make much. After four [small] raises I am still making significantly less than I was at my last job. Still, that's not a problem. The inconsistency in scheduling is my nightmare, going from 30-something hours a week to fourteen and having no security even in that is killing me.


I need to make more money.
I need new health insurance.
I need to go to the dentist.
I need new contacts.
I "need " a lot of things. My highest concern at the moment is the extreme pain coming from someplace behind my eyes. Therefore, goodnight.

only 5 more days

Unfortunately, for me, this means added stress at work.

• more cranky customers (but several nice ones too)
• more people who want specific prices but don't plan to place an order
• ridiculous marketing strategies implemented by someone who probably never took a marketing course
• production and sales goals set by managers who have not worked in framing and have little to no grip on reality

Its the last two that really make it hard. All morning I thought, "I'm probably going to lose or quit my job today." I spent the majority of my lunch in tears, releasing the stress that'd built up over the short four hour morning. The afternoon was better (thanks Ativan) and I'm off tomorrow, so I might make it through the week...

Its worth pointing out that I have amazing coworkers. I literally thank God for them. Encouragement, patience, helpfulness, etc... Without people like this I'd end up on aisle 19 in the fetal position whimpering. And nobody wants to see that.

So, 60% off week...get it while you can, but remember to be nice to your framers...

Il pleut

I need sunshine. I'm blaming my mood on the grey sky, although I suspect there is more to it. . . like work, lonliness, poor sleep. Unfortunately, these (especially the last two) will only become more challenging if my mood does not improve.

Is there a chapter in the Boundaries book on work? I need to review it.

Part of me wants to scream and pound on things, but really I just don't have the energy.




I toured some historic homes today with my mom.


I don't work again until Friday. My goal is to leave my apartment at least once, every day. We'll see.

This is why you never see me

I'm thankful for medicine, but I'm sick of side effects.
I'm sick of medicine that doesn't work the way it should.
I'm sick of feeling so out of control of my body.
I'm sick of passing out.
I'm sick of hating what I see and how I feel so much that all I can do is hide under my covers.
I'm sick of missing life because I can't handle it.
I'm sick of crying.
I'm sick of doing the right thing but getting the wrong results.

navy blue and getting darker

Sometimes I wonder if and when I'll ever be better, or "normal." Other times that seems so far away I can't even grasp it, I feel like I'll always be this way. That's terrifying.

The hardest part is that there's nothing I can do. I can see doctors and even go to hospitals, but even they can't do anything for me that has immediate results. I have to wait on a medicine that may or may not work, and be miserable in the meantime.

I'm obviously having a bad night (and day, and week)...

When I'm ok ("normal") I can entertain myself for hours. I paint, clean, read, explore the internet, bike, etc...but when I'm sick/sad there's nothing that holds my attention, nothing seems even mildly entertaining. So on top of being sad, I'm completely bored and restless. If I could sleep I would.

That madness that is my minds and emotions makes no sense, but despite how petty all this sounds, its very real and painful to me. And its my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

in pursuit of sleep, again

• Started of with 2 Lunesta and an Abilify (thats new from the Doc today)
  

• Added another Lunesta and half an Ativan a couple hours later.
  

• Out of sheer desperation I dug through my medicine cabinet, found some Seroquel, and took a half.
  
• My last ditch effort will be more OTC stuff, if I have any left...
  

dark days, busy people

I feel like I haven't stopped crying since Thursday.

I don't know what causes this or if there is any sense behind when and why, but the last three days have been bad. Very bad.

It began as soon as I woke up Thursday. Mornings are often bad, but this time it didn't get better. I was cring so hard I thought I'd throw up. And I couldn't stop. I called in sick to work (yeah, now my boss really loves me) and spent most of the rest of the day in bed. Saturday I was scheduled to work 9 hours, but that wasn't happening. I ended up going in at 4 and having a horrible night.

I stayed in bed until 4 today, then I made myself eat something and go to church. While I was getting ready I convinced myself that after church I'd come home and end it. While I was there I couldn't sing, or smile, or pay attention to much of anything really. . . but I was there.

No one knows what to say to someone like me. . . I get that. But those who make an effort do matter. I ran into June as I was leaving. It was hard to get her to accept that I couldn't help her this time, that I just didn't have the money/resources. She asked if anyone inside could help her (we were standing outside the church). I told her I didn't know and she realized I was crying. She asked me what was wrong and if I was depressed. I told her I was but couldn't explain why. She tried to get someone from the church to come out and talk to me but they just seemed annoyed when she opened the door. I told her they were busy, they all had enough of their own stuff going on and didn't have time to talk to me. Saying this outloud made the tears uncontrollable, so I just started walking...


Are people really that busy? Yes.
Should that be a valid excuse? I'm not in a position to answer that.

On one hand I'm disappointed with the people I call my church, but I recognize that if the situations were reversed I would probably react in the same way.

But I really like how June didn't beat around the bush or try to be polite...she flat out asked if I was depressed and suicidal. I could learn a lot from her.


This has all given me something to ponder for awhile, but the reality is I'm still sad and alone, and really, I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.

grumble grumble passive-aggressive grumble

What's the point of setting up your availability...



...if they're going to schedule you whenever they please?


So last Thursday I checked my schedule, and again, my boss had me scheduled to work on a tuesday night. I mentioned it to her that night, so she would have plenty of time to find someone else...

To cover my back, I reminded her last night. And for the record, I was super respectful and non-demanding when I mentioned it, but what I got in return was a blank stare. She mumbled something about calling so-and-so and said she'd let me know before she left (which was around 5). At 9:30, when I clocked out, I still hadn't heard from her.

Fast forward to noon-ish today...I'm finally asleep, and my phone rings. I was expecting a call from the guy in framing, so I actually answered, but it was my favorite boss instead. Here's roughly how it went:

"Hello?" (trying to sound awake)

"Yeah, I was about to call so-and-so about working tomorrow, but I already had her scheduled to close in framing. You were scheduled to work the truck."

[long pause while I try to figure out why she's telling me this...She could have me scheduled to dress up like Cricut and dance the night away in the scrapbook aisle if she wanted, but not on Tuesday nights.]

"Um, well, I still can't do it..."

"Ok I'll just mark you down as absent." What?? Wait...I'm not even sure what that means really, but its not good. And its super shady.

"Ok...Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening in the future?" I was waking up and getting my assertive pants on.

"Is it marked on your availability?"

What I wanted to say: "Of course it is, we've been over this. In fact, its been set up like this since the day I started."
What I said: "yes."

She said something about checking it and making sure, blah blah blah, should fix it, blah blah...goodbye.

First of all, this shouldn't keep happening.

Second, quit acting like its my fault. I'm following the system.

Also...double standard! I'm expected to do my job and do it on time, but she can blow things off until its pretty much too late to fix it?



In the grand scheme of life, this is so not important, but right now it makes me want to tape her picture to my punching bag and attempt to knock some sense into her.


Edit: She just called to see if I could work tomorrow night "since I couldn't work tonight." (Doesn't she mean "since I jacked up your schedule?")
My answer: Um, no. I can't.
I have a hot date with this kid:




But why do I feel so guilty?

seulement

Saturday was a bad day. I won't go into detail, but I ended up only working 2 of my 8 hour shift, and my boss is not my biggest fan right now. Sleep + xanax + a little productivity helped some. I decided I needed to make myself get out of my apartment so I watched a movie with some friends at Summit. It was surprisingly easier than I thought. I would even dare to say I had a good time.

I don't know what I expected tonight when I went to church. Again, it was something I didn't feel like doing but I made myself go. The time between the girls' bible study and the main service is always awkward for me. I know that that's when I'm supposed to be meeting new people and bond with those I already know, but I'm really uncomfortable with 3 minute stand-up small talk "hi how are you" conversations. How do you get past this? What does a real conversation feel like? I don't even know anymore.

I've never wanted to be that girl, the one who pours out her sob story when asked "how are you?" But tonight I was standing there and all I could think was "I can't do this. . . I can't stand here and pretend everything's fine when its not." I can talk about the frustration with my car and being nervous about my new job, but thats not whats really going on. Whats really inside my heart is too dark and heavy for a three minute dialogue. I'm not just frustrated, I'm absolutely overwhelmed. I'm more than nervous, I'm completely terrified. . . I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I can't find God, much less myself. But I get the feeling that's more than you're ready to hear in this setting.

So, I left. In doing so, I felt like I was ripping up a piece of the bridge that I've been building in order to be apart of this community. I was making progress, but I've let myself get skip out on so much lately that I feel like I've pulled up nearly every plank I'd nailed down. It felt more like a room full of strangers tonight, rather than a warm gathering of friends.

If there is fault to be found it is with myself, for giving up too easily, focusing too much on myself, for not trying harder or pursuing relationships more purposefully. . . but this is me. I am awkward and self centered and lazy, bust mostly tonight I am mostly just lonely.




I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
mad world. . .
mad world. . .



. . . The catharsis of writing baffles me. . .

and the beat goes on...

One major phrase that needs to be eliminated from my internal monologue:

"What's wrong with you?"





Yesterday it hit me hard. I felt like all the junk with my wreck and bank account just too much, but I knew it shouldn't be. I should be able to handle it, right?

Blame it on the past, the chemicals, the depression, or even the rain...but I can't. My mom came up this afternoon and we ran errands, including getting a rental car. And by car, I mean this:

(Yeah, that's all they had.)

Unfortunately, my anxiety manifested itself in impatience and irrational intolerance, and since my primary interaction was with my mom, she got the brunt of it (although I did get my rental for $3-a-day less for arguing with them). She was going out of her way to help me, so she definitely didn't deserve anything but gratitude. But. . . I can't explain it. I have no excuses. After she left I laid down, sleeping off and on. Each time I woke I had more anxiety and bad feelings.



Its impossible to explain how I feel. There are no labels. . . Its a chaos of extremes battling inside me. They often contradict themselves, like a longing for solitude coupled with frightening loneliness.





My doctor added something new.
Here's hoping for high success and low side effects. . .

only $1.40 one-way

I thought a lot about things as I sat in the 32 degree weather waiting on the bus. . .

Actually no, I didn't. I mostly thought about how cold I was. Which was really, really cold. I waited for nearly 20 minutes then rode an hour+ to get home around 4pm. I finally felt like my body temperature returned to normal about three and a half hours later.

Yeah, I'm a whimp. But I did what I needed to do. I wish I could give a humorous commentary on the whole day but anxiety has overshadowed my ability to be clever.

So, fye, a throwback tune that sums up the beginning of my public transportation adventure...

Kris Kross - I Missed The Bus (Official Music Video) - For more funny movies, click here

honest (albeit confusing) thoughts

Sometimes its hard not too see obstacles as punishment. Things will happen that leave us asking "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why is this happening to me?"

I wrecked my car Saturday.

I guess accidents never happen at a good time, but en route to my best friend's wedding? Come on. . . I was due in Conway at 11 for pictures, but I crashed between Little Rock and Maumelle around 10:30. It went a little like a Nascar wreck. . . there was swerving, spinning, and crunching. The car stopped facing the wrong direction with both ends smashed.

First thoughts:
1. My toe hurts.
2. Deanna is going to kill me.
3. My parents are going to kill me.*

I wasn't hurt (other than a sore neck and monster bruise), but I honestly can't summon up much gratefulness for that. I'm stuck on regret and dread. Regret for my carelessness, dread for the overwhelming tasks ahead with insurance, repairing/replacing, and finding transportation in the meantime.

I made it to the wedding and was able to focus on that for the most part (except for the 15 minutes during the reception that I spent crying in the bathroom). My friends were great. Even people I didn't know had kind words for me. My parents? Well, they said they loved me and told me to check the bus schedules. You have salt? Sweet! Here's my open wound. . .

Trying to sleep last night was a joke. Lunesta can only help so much. I'd close my eyes and feel myself spinning again, replaying the whole scene in my mind. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to sleep.

My mind says this just happened, unrelated to any previous event or action. But my heart sees punishment, which leaves me asking, "For what?" I mentally defend myself, recounting my good deeds ("I really try to do the right thing, I work hard, I help my friends, I help homeless people [yes, I saw June again this week]. . . and so on).

I recognize that consequences are not the same as punishment. I know grace is real. But to be honest, what I think I know and what I feel are swimming around in my head, creating such chaos that I'm completely overwhelmed. In order to regain a little control I shut down, I distract myself so I don't have to deal.

I guess this is about more than a car. Its about feeling defeated, blow after blow. . . asking "why me? Why am I sick? Why don't the medicines work? Why. . . ?"

I want to recognize God's sovereignty and goodness, but the scars on my skin and in my heart beg for answers.

Other people's words make more sense than my ramblings:

"You Found Me" by The Fray

The Fray - You Found Me (official video)
by thefray

selected lyrics:

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me...

Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Excuse me, I have bus schedules to study...




*Yes, I'm 24, and I still fear my parents wrath. Well, their disappointment more than anything.