Two less

Two less people in the world.
Two less people who smiled, laughed, cared...

Two people who lost the battle this weekend.

My heart is broken, my mind is a mess. I don't know how to stop this. Could I have stopped these two?


Reach out. Reach inside yourself and find your strength. Sometimes strength is just eating, or moving from the bed to the couch. Take care of yourself and to hell with other people. Good for the marathon runners, business owners, mothers and fathers...but if you woke up today you are winning.

burnt

Twice in two weeks I've been asked abut my scars...
...the sketchy, ugly ones...

 After explaining I "got burned," I'm asked, "3rd degree?"
Yeah, like I know. If you repeatedly hold an iron to your skin you don't exactly rush to the ER.

I'm not proud of my scars or actions, but I wish I could own them without scaring people. How can I make my story matter if it scares everyone?

My honest story and why you should be real too

There were two distinct times today in which I was sure I was going to die.

#1...after a breakfast and mid morning snack of koolaid and year-old nutter butters, my stomach decided it wouldn't cooperate and I spent the next 30 minutes to and hour waiting to expel a peanut-buttery back cherry liquid mess. But, since I have such a mental block against throwing up I just had to wait it out.

#2...Calls to the insurance company and wrecker service had been made, so my business for the day was handled. But my body was still freaking out. Around 4pm I experienced my first all-out chest contracting, stomach knotting, anxiety attack. It felt like the muscles in my torso were being ripped apart. Clutching a heating pad and whimpering, I finally fell asleep and woke up in significantly less pain.


I've mentioned before that bad days scare me. Today I got a reminder of the not-so-distant past when I could do little more than lay in bed and cry. This reminder caused even more crying, and fear that the dark days were returning. Its all very discouraging. In these times my prayers are usually limited to one word pleas of "Help!" or "No..." or, most common, just "God..."

I don't share this for pity. I just want to be honest. This kind of stuff is a reality for more people than you realize. Admitting you've hit the bottom is hard, and often humiliating. But this is real life guys. Pain is real. Being honest and telling our stories and knowing that they matter is vital, even if they don't always receive the reaction we hope. Our job is to keep sharing, honestly, and breaking down misconceptions and proving that pride is detrimental to community.


Some words that encourage me a little:

The darkness wins too often. Broken things build themselves in silence. People feel alone. People give up. People talk about this stuff like it's math or they don't talk about it at all...
We're trying to fight for people with kindness, with words that move, with honesty and creativity. We're trying to push back at suicide with compassion, with hope. We're pointing to wisdom, pointing to medicine, saying that hope is real, help is real. We're fighting for our own stories, our own friends and families, our own broken hearts. We're saying there's nothing we can't talk about, nothing off-limits. We're kicking elephants out of living rooms, making room for life...
Don't give up. Don't give up on your story. Don't give up on the people you love. Hope is real. Love is real. It's all worth fighting for.

-jamie tworkowski
TWLOHA

To be honest, its hard for me to believe these words tonight. But I'm trying. I'm looking for the compassion and hope, but these are hard to see through the tears. If you pray, please include me and all the others searching for hope tonight.

Plates break.

We believe in hope and help, that these things are real and possible. You weren't meant to live alone with your pain. You weren't meant to stay in the broken place.

-Jamie Tworkowski

My first reaction to those words is agreement. I kinda get that warm fuzzy feeling after reading that, which is nice, but there's still a gap between these words and reality.

Healing is real, but so is responsibility.
Reality means that healing must occur simultaneously as life. So while the medicines are fighting it out in my body and I'm adjusting to side effects and swallowing pills, I've still got to pay rent. I've got to do something about the hospital bills and collection letters that keep coming. I've got to be a good friend, daughter, employee, and neighbor.

There are all these plates that I've got to keep spinning, all the while doing mental and emotional acrobatics, trying not to fall on my face again.

And, I'm just getting started. I've got to add more plates, I've got to pick it up in all the areas I've been slacking.

Tomorrow: interview. I'm a mess about this.

My Birthday Wishlist

Friday is my birthday.

24 isn't a very significant number, but nevertheless, I'm getting older.

Last year I wanted books. My amazon wishlist is still out of control, but I'm so far behind on my reading that it'd be ridiculous to keep adding to my library.

My other insignificant wants include a new bike, an easel, and a trip to Paris...none of which are affordable to any of you.

But, it is my birthday, so I'm coming to you with a request: care about what moves my heart...Open your wallet and give.

As a result of the many calls that 1-800-SUICIDE receives every day, and because of a delay in government funding, Hopeline is struggling to pay their phone bill. If this bill is not paid, the government will be allowed to fully take control of 1-800-SUICIDE. Part of what makes Hopeline such a powerful resource is that the calls placed to this number are completely private and confidential. We believe that the responsibility for providing a private and confidential environment in which to find help should remain in the hands of those who had the heart and compassion to begin this work ten years ago.

This is the Blood:Water Mission: committed to clean blood and clean water to fight the HIV/AIDS pandemic, to build clean wells in Africa, to support medical facilities caring for the sick, to make a lasting impact in the fight against poverty, injustice and oppression in Africa through the linking of needs, talents and continents, of people and resources.