Wednesday, August 13, 2008

my "headache"

Have you ever had a headache for like four days* and thought you were going to go crazy? But after awhile you go numb sort of. The pain is still there, it just becomes part of your life. You keep going, but it affects you more than you realize. At first you think it'll go away with time, ibuprofen, etc, but after awhile you find yourself focusing more on managing the pain, rather than curing the headache.

To follow the analogy, let's say I've had a headache for seven years, which turned into a migraine for the past eight months. Despite my best efforts to manage it (hope for a cure is long gone), my life has become more about the headache and less about living.

It is no longer a question of "if" but "when" things will reach a critical mass if they continue in this pattern, so my best option is to stop now and focus on healing on my terms, rather than just reacting to the most recent crisis.

Ibuprofen is great, but sometimes you need to ask why this headache is what it is and examine the path things have taken. A cycle will only stop when you identify what is perpetuating the repetition and come up with an alternate course of action.

My plan at this point is far from finalized, but I have a peace about the decision. I'm terrified because I know true healing means dealing with wounds that I've kept covered for years, but that pain is a necessary part of the healing that will turn this back into a just a little headache, or maybe even make it disappear for good.

*I really hope no one can relate to a 4-day headache, but just go with the idea, ok?

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