Saturday, October 11, 2008


I knew I couldn't make myself not believe in God, so I tried to believe He isn't good and doesn't care. . . but that didn't really work either. So if God is good, and He cares about us, is this my fault somehow? The answer is still no, and I'm left with a lot of unanswered why's.

It doesn't make sense.

Its like, if I can answer why, then I'll know how to fix it. But I can't do either. Its out of my hands. . . I have no control. . .

How much easier would my life have been if I didn't feel the need to control everything? I've always been independent, wanting to do everything for myself, but in my darkest despair I find myself aching for someone to take care of me. Is this what it takes for me to come to the end of myself?

When will it end? When will things turn around? I sit with my small group and listen as people share prayer requests, and I'm always amazed when someone doesn't have anything. Is it conceivable that a life can really be problem free? I'm so tired of being that girl who's life is always falling apart.

I know, I know, I'm blessed beyond belief and I shouldn't whine, but walk a day in my Pumas before you think that.

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