Sunday, March 29, 2009

navy blue and getting darker

Sometimes I wonder if and when I'll ever be better, or "normal." Other times that seems so far away I can't even grasp it, I feel like I'll always be this way. That's terrifying.

The hardest part is that there's nothing I can do. I can see doctors and even go to hospitals, but even they can't do anything for me that has immediate results. I have to wait on a medicine that may or may not work, and be miserable in the meantime.

I'm obviously having a bad night (and day, and week)...

When I'm ok ("normal") I can entertain myself for hours. I paint, clean, read, explore the internet, bike, etc...but when I'm sick/sad there's nothing that holds my attention, nothing seems even mildly entertaining. So on top of being sad, I'm completely bored and restless. If I could sleep I would.

That madness that is my minds and emotions makes no sense, but despite how petty all this sounds, its very real and painful to me. And its my blog and I'll whine if I want to.


  1. jeesh. It almost scary how you describe what I was going through.

    If you want a hint to life, here it is:
    If you keep on trying to change yourself /only using your mind/ you won't get anywhere. I think you know this by now.

    All those stories about "positive thinking" or "if you believe hard enough" or "if you want it bad enough" are lies.

    The mind can't control itself on it's own. You should try learning to meditate or pick up a Zen book. Your body and mind are solidly connected. It might be possible to ease your mind with your body.

    And you will probably start facing all your tough shit while meditating- only it will _not_ come back to bite you later. It will purify your mind. It's not easy, but if you give it hell... :)

    it's worth looking into if you have the time :)