“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

The bad news: I burned my arm on the iron.

The good news: I didn't feel it.

The bad news: I've averaged 4 hours of sleep every night this week.

The good news: I'm awfully creative at 2am.

The bad news: There was an evil bug in the building last night.

The good news: It was in Kathy's apartment, not mine.

The bad news: I found a nail in my tire yesterday morning.

The good news: I only had to pay $12 for a new tire.

The bad news: I had to wait in the Firestone lobby forever while they fixed my tire.

The good news: I can tell you everything about the revolutionary Banjo Minnow Fishing System, which mimics the spastic action of a real wounded dying minnow!

The bad news: Something is pinching in my hip.

The good news: I now have an awesome pimp walk.

The bad news: My phone is possessed.

The good news: I have an excuse not to answer it.

The bad news: There's a guy downstairs with green hair.

The good news: There's a guy downstairs with green hair.