Wednesday, July 9, 2008

"I don't wanna feel so different but I don't wanna be insignificant" -Counting Crows

Sometimes I ask myself how this can be...
How can this be my problem?
I had good parents, I was relatively successful in school, I have some friends...
  No sketchy past, no secret trauma.
    It feels selfish, for me to have the issues that I do.  But feelings can't deny its reality.
Of my many emotions, the most surprising and frustrating is loneliness.  I know I have at least a handful of people that truly care about me, and I wish that knowledge were enough.  I don't want to want more.  Wanting without fulfilment hurts, and I've got enough of that already.
Does everyone feel this sort of isolation?  Does everyone have the same deep desire to be known and understood?
But really, the idea of being known and understood is terrifying, and incredibly boring. 
Its easier to be 99 than the one.
I don't get to accept grace, how to grant grace...I really don't get it.
At times I wish I could go back to a more ignorant (and therefore more blissful) state.
Today I'm overwhelmed by thoughts of people who do great things.  Maybe the overwhelming part is the extremely small chance that I will ever be one of them.
Not everyone gets to live their dream. 
But do other people really dream like this?  The girl in the cubicle next to me, does she think about doing big things?  About living a life thats bigger than these ten feet?  Or is she happy with working hard for 40 hours and going home to her children?
Which would you choose: big but unfulfilled dreams or consistency with satisfaction?
Where's the balance between faith in the unseen and content whatever the circumstances?
Faith in the unseen...what does that even mean?  I believe in very little lately.  I'm losing faith in people, in medicine, in myself...and maybe even in God.
Does my ability to lose faith in something mean it was not legitimate faith to begin with?
How many times have I prayed Mark 9:24?
I feel like I'm not doing enough, but I know that nothing I could do would ever be enough.  What now?  What does trusting God really look like?
Even a prayer of only questions and sighs brings peace somehow.  Like a summer storm rather than winter.  Equally forceful, but I find the warmth more bearable.
Introspection leads to self awareness, which should in turn lead to action.  I worry that my introspection remains passive.  I worry that too much will only push me farther from humility (...not thinking less of ourselves, but thinking of ourselves less...). 
Sometimes I want to be and do so much, but I am exhausted trying to keep up with now (trying and failing).
Other times, especially lately, I do not want to be or do at all.
"Sometimes the world seems like a big hole. You spend all your life shouting down it and all you hear are echoes of some idiot yelling nonsense down a hole."   -Adam Duritz

1 comment:

  1. Hello. I came across your blog from your comment on "The Boy with the Thorn in his side".

    This is a very interesting post and, if you don't mind, I just wanted to add my 2 cents, which you have complete freedom to totally throw away.

    I believe you answered your own question. Of course you can have tons of people that care about you and good friends, but when you don't have that person with which you can affirm and be your true self, that person that understands and accepts you, the loneliness shows up. I don't think, in that aspect, it's that you want more, but more like you want that particular personal source of company. I know for me, I'd much rather have that one close, personal friend than tons of friends that are casual and not really close at all.

    Grace is in the "fact" that you are God's creation, created in his image and love, no matter how far you stray from him. His love is infinite, because He himself is love. This doesn't mean it's ok to stray purposefully (and it's also not something you can help), but He loves you still even when you do. I don't think you can grant grace though. I don't think.

    I myself would like to be a great writer, but I'm continually defeated by my laziness. Not laziness to write, laziness to do the research so that the writing is accurate. But as I said in the other blog, this is my own fault. You can envision and dream of your ideal self, using your talents to affirm yourself in the world and further it, and you can pursue it. But you must strive for it, and virtue in your striving can't come from everybody else's approval, but from achieving your personal goals.

    I know this is an essay of a comment, so I'll stop here. But keep asking questions: they are what will propel you to further and deeper understanding.