Friday, August 29, 2008

He is good (even when I'm sad)

Last week in Texas I was told I have a "pretty severe case of treatment resistant depression." On one hand, these words only confirmed what I've assumed for awhile now, but on the other hand, to have my suspicions confirmed was a bit like being trapped underwater by a raft or boat.

My head was screaming "NO, I'm too young for this! I'm only 24 and already running out of options. . . "
At the same time, I needed to hear the truth in order to understand what God was teaching me.

In the past two years, when I've thought about chasing my dreams, I've always held back. I needed to wait "until I'm better" I'd tell myself. This perspective has saturated my thinking about so much while I've held out for this idealistic reality.

But This Is My Life.
And it probably will be until I die. God is big, He is bigger than depression and bigger than what the doctors can do for me, but this is what He has for me. I can't put off living until a day of healing that will probably never come. But at the same time, this life has limits now. Limits like always needing insurance, having to take significant time out of my life to see counselors and doctors, and those oh so wonderful side effects with every medicine that are more than just likely for me.

So no, I will probably never finish that journeyman application, or move to Paris to share Jesus and get a dog, and I'm going to have to find a guy who can handle tears and bad days for no reason. . . but God is bigger than my dreams and plans. Whatever he has (or has not) for me is good, because He is good.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the update on your world. You encourage my heart greatly my friend. When you return(I don't know if you are back yet), I'd love to get together with you over coffee or something.

    Praying for you hard sis.