what a week, part 1 (of 1?)

This is long, but its been a week worth talking about (in my little world at least).


Let's got back in time...

Monday (November 17) started a 3 day trip that I didn't ask to experience. It didn't hit til I left my apartment around 2. Driving to Wal-Mart never took that much effort before. I felt drugged, disconnected, a mess...The chaos of Wal-Mart didn't help, my head was floating one minute and spinning the next. I got my shopping done and went home, not really concerned, more annoyed. I went to work, but just driving, again, was a challenge. Every few moments I had to stop and refocus, ask myself where I was. Not surprisingly, work didn't go well. I ended up leaving early (but managed not to have a complete breakdown next to the pipe cleaners and pompoms).

Tuesday I didn't actually left my apartment til 7ish (some could say its laziness, I call it recovery/survival). Again, compeletely disconnected.

Wednesday my mom was here, so I actually got out around lunchtime, but no change. We were trying to cross the street to go eat and I nearly walked in front of several cars. My mind couldn't complete the process of stop, look, wait, time it, then go. A few hours later I called my doctor and he said to cut my sleep meds to a fourth of what I'd been taking. My current dosage wasn't working that well, so cut back that much scared me.

Wednesday night was not good (obviously). I was overwhelmed with anxiety about going back to work Thursday night...what if I still felt bad? What if I freaked out in the middle of everything? What if this never went away?

(ok, quick[ish] background: awhile back a friend told me a local venue had a TWLOHA event on its calendar for November 20th. I was a little suspicious because it wasn't on the TWLOHA official calendar them, so I posted something about it on a forum and was told (by official folks) that they didn't have an Arkansas events planned. So I dismissed it as a weird mistake on the clubs website. And of course, when my boss called and asked if I could work that night I said yes.)

Back to Wednesday...I was bumming around on the internet and ended up looking at TWLOHA's calendar, and there it was...Little Rock, AR: Purpose for the Pain tour with Between the Trees performing and Rene Yohe, author of Purpose for the Pain, speaking.

I was mad...and sad...and frustrated...disappointed...on top of all the anxiety I was already feeling about work, drama/worrry about insurance stuff, etc etc etc...it was too much. Emotional overload. Although I've been getting better, every day takes so much effort just to stay on this side of the line, to keep trying. Constantly forcing myself to cling to hope left me inable to deal with it, no matter how trivial a little dissappointment may seem.

I couldn't even cry. I sat, squeezing my eyes shut, and just kind of shut down. I lost what tiny piece of hope I had.

So I went to bed. Sleep came and went, but as always, time eases pain and helps one regain a better perspective.

Part 2, "a Thursday I didn't expect," coming soon...maybe...