Monday, December 15, 2008

thoughts behind bad days

Everyone has bad days. I don't expect myself to be exempt from this, but for me, its more than a bad day. It echos feelings and thoughts from the past, when bad was an understatement and days turned to weeks, months, with no reprieve.

Bad days scare me, they remind me that I am not, and cannot be in control. I am at the mercy of God, and life.
Some people say God allows things to happen, others say he is the cause of everything...I'm still not completely sure what I believe about his involvement in our daily life. His sovereignty is certain, but at the same time He has granted us the freedom to make our own choices, and the presence of sin in our world has its own consequences...This is a theological issue that I clearly need to study more, and rather than come to a conclusion I'd rather say "I don't know," but can a person really be truely undecided on an issue like this?

All of that to say, life scares me. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what to expect as a result of my prayers. What I've been taught to believe tells me God will take care of me and everything will be ok. . . but what life has taught me is that sometimes everything isn't ok. Sometimes life hurts like hell and doesn't get better just because you pray.

Being somewhat of a workaholic for the past few weeks has allowed me to live on the surface and ignore my soul's deeper questions and processes. Its easier that way, but we are created for more.

I've had a few weeks of relief from the overwhelming presence of uncertainty, but time keeps going and running away from reality is daily becoming more difficult. Decisions need to be made, but first there need to be options. Action needs to be taken, but that means acknowledging reality and what is (or could be) to come.

I make no sense. Thats ok.

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