Friday, January 30, 2009

and the beat goes on...

One major phrase that needs to be eliminated from my internal monologue:

"What's wrong with you?"

Yesterday it hit me hard. I felt like all the junk with my wreck and bank account just too much, but I knew it shouldn't be. I should be able to handle it, right?

Blame it on the past, the chemicals, the depression, or even the rain...but I can't. My mom came up this afternoon and we ran errands, including getting a rental car. And by car, I mean this:

(Yeah, that's all they had.)

Unfortunately, my anxiety manifested itself in impatience and irrational intolerance, and since my primary interaction was with my mom, she got the brunt of it (although I did get my rental for $3-a-day less for arguing with them). She was going out of her way to help me, so she definitely didn't deserve anything but gratitude. But. . . I can't explain it. I have no excuses. After she left I laid down, sleeping off and on. Each time I woke I had more anxiety and bad feelings.

Its impossible to explain how I feel. There are no labels. . . Its a chaos of extremes battling inside me. They often contradict themselves, like a longing for solitude coupled with frightening loneliness.

My doctor added something new.
Here's hoping for high success and low side effects. . .

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