One major phrase that needs to be eliminated from my internal monologue:
"What's wrong with you?"
Yesterday it hit me hard. I felt like all the junk with my wreck and bank account just too much, but I knew it shouldn't be. I should be able to handle it, right?
Blame it on the past, the chemicals, the depression, or even the rain...but I can't. My mom came up this afternoon and we ran errands, including getting a rental car. And by car, I mean this:
(Yeah, that's all they had.)
Unfortunately, my anxiety manifested itself in impatience and irrational intolerance, and since my primary interaction was with my mom, she got the brunt of it (although I did get my rental for $3-a-day less for arguing with them). She was going out of her way to help me, so she definitely didn't deserve anything but gratitude. But. . . I can't explain it. I have no excuses. After she left I laid down, sleeping off and on. Each time I woke I had more anxiety and bad feelings.
Its impossible to explain how I feel. There are no labels. . . Its a chaos of extremes battling inside me. They often contradict themselves, like a longing for solitude coupled with frightening loneliness.
My doctor added something new.
Here's hoping for high success and low side effects. . .
Friday, January 30, 2009
and the beat goes on...
Labels:
dark days,
family,
welcome to my life,
whining
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