Monday, March 23, 2009

dark days, busy people

I feel like I haven't stopped crying since Thursday.

I don't know what causes this or if there is any sense behind when and why, but the last three days have been bad. Very bad.

It began as soon as I woke up Thursday. Mornings are often bad, but this time it didn't get better. I was cring so hard I thought I'd throw up. And I couldn't stop. I called in sick to work (yeah, now my boss really loves me) and spent most of the rest of the day in bed. Saturday I was scheduled to work 9 hours, but that wasn't happening. I ended up going in at 4 and having a horrible night.

I stayed in bed until 4 today, then I made myself eat something and go to church. While I was getting ready I convinced myself that after church I'd come home and end it. While I was there I couldn't sing, or smile, or pay attention to much of anything really. . . but I was there.

No one knows what to say to someone like me. . . I get that. But those who make an effort do matter. I ran into June as I was leaving. It was hard to get her to accept that I couldn't help her this time, that I just didn't have the money/resources. She asked if anyone inside could help her (we were standing outside the church). I told her I didn't know and she realized I was crying. She asked me what was wrong and if I was depressed. I told her I was but couldn't explain why. She tried to get someone from the church to come out and talk to me but they just seemed annoyed when she opened the door. I told her they were busy, they all had enough of their own stuff going on and didn't have time to talk to me. Saying this outloud made the tears uncontrollable, so I just started walking...

Are people really that busy? Yes.
Should that be a valid excuse? I'm not in a position to answer that.

On one hand I'm disappointed with the people I call my church, but I recognize that if the situations were reversed I would probably react in the same way.

But I really like how June didn't beat around the bush or try to be polite...she flat out asked if I was depressed and suicidal. I could learn a lot from her.

This has all given me something to ponder for awhile, but the reality is I'm still sad and alone, and really, I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there.

    I haven't talked to you in a loooooong time it seems. So I know there isn't much I can do, but I want you to know, that I hear you. I've kept up with your blog for a while now, ever since you left xanga, boo hoo. Xanga forever! But still. You ever need anything that I can help with (whatever that is) let me know. My number is on facebook. By the way, how is Har-Har?

    Take care, and try to keep going. As cliche'esh as it might sound, I am praying for you.