doings≠being

We've been going over our core values at church for the last several weeks, the most recent being diversity.

Dictionary.com gives these it these three definitions:

1. the state or fact of being diverse; difference; unlikeness.
2. variety; multiformity.
3. a point of difference.

I find it interesting that most people apparently assume a context of race when they hear the word "diversity." I think its a fancy word we've assigned to describe a sensitive issue. Why "different" has such a negative connotation I don't understand.

But, that's not really my point. . .
In our small group Tuesday night I asked if we were going to stick to the racial and cultural context in our discussion, and in short the answer was yes. One girl's reasoning stuck out to me, within reference to diversity among personalities she referred to me as the "creative or artsy one" (I can't recall her exact wording). I interrupted saying that's what I do, not who I am, to which the general consensus was "eh, same thing."

This bothered me, for a few reasons.

• I don't like being boxed in. Can a creative person not also be efficient or precise?
  
• It makes me feel like a fraud. I recognize that the things I make aren't going to hang in a gallery or even on someone's wall. Most of my ideas are not original, but instead adaptations and interpretations on someone else's creativity. But I make things because I enjoy the process, not for the end result. This makes me question whether I should share my creations or if that cheapens the fulfillment I get from making it.
  
• Too much pressure. If I fail to be creative, I fail as a person.
  
• I really don't believe doings=being. If we apply this to good things we do it might make us feel fine about ourselves, but we cannot restrict it to what is good, it would also have to hold true for the bad. I've been reminded more than once that I am not my disorder, I am not my habits or problems. Most recently it was through this blog,
  

  If you struggle with self-injury, you are not "a cutter". You are a person. You are not only your pain. You are not only wounds and scars. You are also better things. You are possibility and promise, hope and healing, daydreams, favorite books and favorite songs. You are the people that you love and the people who love you. You are hope and change and things worth fighting for. This is all your story and your story isn't over.

Once upon a time, in another lifetime it seems, I was "the funny one." But when I ceased to make my friends laugh I felt like I lost my value to them. My heart still hurts over this.

Knowing my identity and worth continues to be one of the biggest obstacles between living my life as a test of survival and living a life of purpose. I love these words in Ephesians,

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

This shows me that (a) I'm not the only one who has trouble accepting God's love, and (b) the fact that Paul was praying for it makes me feel like it is possible, it gives me hope.