Friday, June 12, 2009

something like grief

I'm frustrated. . . with life, specifically mine, and the lack of direction or movement or change. I keep turning the pages on my calendar but when I look back there's not much to show for what has passed.

How much change am I really capable of making? Am I kidding myself by thinking that there could be more?

My heart hurts because I don't want things to be like this, to be so hard. For awhile I'd like to feel like I'm not fighting against everything.

So I don't think about it. I don't think about anything. I just keep going, doing what has to be done, and trying not to acknowledge that I'm not really going anywhere. And I'm ok until something disrupts my attempt at blissful ignorance. What I feel when I realize how unhappy I am is difficult to describe, but something like grief. I grieve for the loss of hope and joy in my soul, as much as I would for the loss of a friend.

Once you lose it, can you ever truly be hopeful again? Or will every future experience and observation be affected?

1 comment:

  1. Dear child! Please stop worrying so much! You do not need to bear as much weight as you do. If you allow god to shoulder some of your burden, you can realize that it's not all your responability when things go bad, and more importantly that its not all your fault when you do things well. It was god who was giving us the power to do these things. You don't need to bear the burden for _everything_. Otherwise you will only be devistated when things go bad and worried about when the good things will leave. Nobody should have to be worried during their good moments. As the wise king said: "This too will pass." Not everything is your fault nor is it your responsability.