Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Thoughts Now That I'm Old

I frequently think "I wish I could move to Orlando and be a part of City Beautiful...or Chicago with Jarrett Stevens...Especially my second fam and One...

But maybe I'm here for a reason. Ten-ish years ago I was planning for a future in France with a dog.  But after puking my guts out in a hotel in Paris I had doubts. A few years later I got sicker than a dog in Indonesia.

A professor wisely told me "If God calls you, he calls your stomach too."

After college my world fell apart.

So I'm here...recovering from and fighting against depression. Trying not to take a blade to my skin. Trying (and failing) not to isolate.

I want to help people. I want to love people. But I also want to be alone. My introversion is ridiculous. And I hate it. I feel so guilty because I feel called to connect with other hurting people...but mostly I just want to hide.

I keep thinking about the phrase "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." It's not exactly hell I'm afraid of, it's missing my purpose because I'm too wrapped up in myself. I don't want my broken mind and soul to stop me from spreading the love that I know exists, even when I don't feel it.

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