Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Revisiting Perks

I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

I really think that everyone should have watercolors, magnetic poetry, and a harmonica.

I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked "good". Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is.

I'm just thinking too fast-- much too fast.

I have to stop writing now because I am too sad.

Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.

I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I'd do anything not to be this way. I'd do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being "passive agressive." And to not have to take the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things.

I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.

1 comment:

  1. Did......did something in particular happen to you that made you feel this way? I wouldn't say no one really likes each other, but all of us our very existentially estranged. We are individually a complex make-up of cultural, spiritual, intellectual and temporal influences and responses. What our job is, is to understand all of that in each other, but for fear of running into something that maybe harmful, this does not happen.