Monday, February 2, 2009


Saturday was a bad day. I won't go into detail, but I ended up only working 2 of my 8 hour shift, and my boss is not my biggest fan right now. Sleep + xanax + a little productivity helped some. I decided I needed to make myself get out of my apartment so I watched a movie with some friends at Summit. It was surprisingly easier than I thought. I would even dare to say I had a good time.

I don't know what I expected tonight when I went to church. Again, it was something I didn't feel like doing but I made myself go. The time between the girls' bible study and the main service is always awkward for me. I know that that's when I'm supposed to be meeting new people and bond with those I already know, but I'm really uncomfortable with 3 minute stand-up small talk "hi how are you" conversations. How do you get past this? What does a real conversation feel like? I don't even know anymore.

I've never wanted to be that girl, the one who pours out her sob story when asked "how are you?" But tonight I was standing there and all I could think was "I can't do this. . . I can't stand here and pretend everything's fine when its not." I can talk about the frustration with my car and being nervous about my new job, but thats not whats really going on. Whats really inside my heart is too dark and heavy for a three minute dialogue. I'm not just frustrated, I'm absolutely overwhelmed. I'm more than nervous, I'm completely terrified. . . I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I can't find God, much less myself. But I get the feeling that's more than you're ready to hear in this setting.

So, I left. In doing so, I felt like I was ripping up a piece of the bridge that I've been building in order to be apart of this community. I was making progress, but I've let myself get skip out on so much lately that I feel like I've pulled up nearly every plank I'd nailed down. It felt more like a room full of strangers tonight, rather than a warm gathering of friends.

If there is fault to be found it is with myself, for giving up too easily, focusing too much on myself, for not trying harder or pursuing relationships more purposefully. . . but this is me. I am awkward and self centered and lazy, bust mostly tonight I am mostly just lonely.

I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
mad world. . .
mad world. . .

. . . The catharsis of writing baffles me. . .

No comments:

Post a Comment