navy blue and getting darker

Sometimes I wonder if and when I'll ever be better, or "normal." Other times that seems so far away I can't even grasp it, I feel like I'll always be this way. That's terrifying.

The hardest part is that there's nothing I can do. I can see doctors and even go to hospitals, but even they can't do anything for me that has immediate results. I have to wait on a medicine that may or may not work, and be miserable in the meantime.

I'm obviously having a bad night (and day, and week)...

When I'm ok ("normal") I can entertain myself for hours. I paint, clean, read, explore the internet, bike, etc...but when I'm sick/sad there's nothing that holds my attention, nothing seems even mildly entertaining. So on top of being sad, I'm completely bored and restless. If I could sleep I would.

That madness that is my minds and emotions makes no sense, but despite how petty all this sounds, its very real and painful to me. And its my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

A good friend is cheaper than therapy.

I have a bad memory. . . short-term, long-term, really-really-short term, whatever. There are holes.
I tend to block out bad memories especially, which is why I have little-to no recollection of seventh and eighth grade.

But sometimes I get caught up in the good memories, and its like a slideshow rolling through my mind, accompanied by a certain Cinderella song that makes me all the more nostalgic.

I'm quick to call myself a loner (even "hermit," if you will). . . and I am. I'm also an introvert, and usually content to be by myself.
But if I'm honest (which is hardest in the mirror), sometimes I get really, really lonely.

I miss my friends. Especially these kids tonight:












I think its ok to be sad and to miss people. I recognize that the reason I'm alone as much as I am is primarily due to choices I have made (and continue to make). But even if I enjoy being alone, I still can get lonely sometimes.

Where does the madness come from?

Last week I was making to-do lists, spring cleaning, and actually living life. . . Now I can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, and when I do I wake up crying. The evidence of my frustration and pain is found in new red stripes covering my legs and arms.

What happened? What triggered this and how do I make it stop?

in pursuit of sleep, again

• Started of with 2 Lunesta and an Abilify (thats new from the Doc today)
  

• Added another Lunesta and half an Ativan a couple hours later.
  

• Out of sheer desperation I dug through my medicine cabinet, found some Seroquel, and took a half.
  
• My last ditch effort will be more OTC stuff, if I have any left...
  

dark days, busy people

I feel like I haven't stopped crying since Thursday.

I don't know what causes this or if there is any sense behind when and why, but the last three days have been bad. Very bad.

It began as soon as I woke up Thursday. Mornings are often bad, but this time it didn't get better. I was cring so hard I thought I'd throw up. And I couldn't stop. I called in sick to work (yeah, now my boss really loves me) and spent most of the rest of the day in bed. Saturday I was scheduled to work 9 hours, but that wasn't happening. I ended up going in at 4 and having a horrible night.

I stayed in bed until 4 today, then I made myself eat something and go to church. While I was getting ready I convinced myself that after church I'd come home and end it. While I was there I couldn't sing, or smile, or pay attention to much of anything really. . . but I was there.

No one knows what to say to someone like me. . . I get that. But those who make an effort do matter. I ran into June as I was leaving. It was hard to get her to accept that I couldn't help her this time, that I just didn't have the money/resources. She asked if anyone inside could help her (we were standing outside the church). I told her I didn't know and she realized I was crying. She asked me what was wrong and if I was depressed. I told her I was but couldn't explain why. She tried to get someone from the church to come out and talk to me but they just seemed annoyed when she opened the door. I told her they were busy, they all had enough of their own stuff going on and didn't have time to talk to me. Saying this outloud made the tears uncontrollable, so I just started walking...


Are people really that busy? Yes.
Should that be a valid excuse? I'm not in a position to answer that.

On one hand I'm disappointed with the people I call my church, but I recognize that if the situations were reversed I would probably react in the same way.

But I really like how June didn't beat around the bush or try to be polite...she flat out asked if I was depressed and suicidal. I could learn a lot from her.


This has all given me something to ponder for awhile, but the reality is I'm still sad and alone, and really, I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.

grumble grumble passive-aggressive grumble

What's the point of setting up your availability...



...if they're going to schedule you whenever they please?


So last Thursday I checked my schedule, and again, my boss had me scheduled to work on a tuesday night. I mentioned it to her that night, so she would have plenty of time to find someone else...

To cover my back, I reminded her last night. And for the record, I was super respectful and non-demanding when I mentioned it, but what I got in return was a blank stare. She mumbled something about calling so-and-so and said she'd let me know before she left (which was around 5). At 9:30, when I clocked out, I still hadn't heard from her.

Fast forward to noon-ish today...I'm finally asleep, and my phone rings. I was expecting a call from the guy in framing, so I actually answered, but it was my favorite boss instead. Here's roughly how it went:

"Hello?" (trying to sound awake)

"Yeah, I was about to call so-and-so about working tomorrow, but I already had her scheduled to close in framing. You were scheduled to work the truck."

[long pause while I try to figure out why she's telling me this...She could have me scheduled to dress up like Cricut and dance the night away in the scrapbook aisle if she wanted, but not on Tuesday nights.]

"Um, well, I still can't do it..."

"Ok I'll just mark you down as absent." What?? Wait...I'm not even sure what that means really, but its not good. And its super shady.

"Ok...Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening in the future?" I was waking up and getting my assertive pants on.

"Is it marked on your availability?"

What I wanted to say: "Of course it is, we've been over this. In fact, its been set up like this since the day I started."
What I said: "yes."

She said something about checking it and making sure, blah blah blah, should fix it, blah blah...goodbye.

First of all, this shouldn't keep happening.

Second, quit acting like its my fault. I'm following the system.

Also...double standard! I'm expected to do my job and do it on time, but she can blow things off until its pretty much too late to fix it?



In the grand scheme of life, this is so not important, but right now it makes me want to tape her picture to my punching bag and attempt to knock some sense into her.


Edit: She just called to see if I could work tomorrow night "since I couldn't work tonight." (Doesn't she mean "since I jacked up your schedule?")
My answer: Um, no. I can't.
I have a hot date with this kid:




But why do I feel so guilty?

what I feel about the coming week

dread
/drɛd/

–verb (used with object)

1.	to fear greatly; be in extreme apprehension of: to dread death.

2.	to be reluctant to do, meet, or experience: I dread going to big parties.

3.	Archaic. to hold in respectful awe.

–verb (used without object)

4.	to be in great fear.

–noun

5.	terror or apprehension as to something in the future; great fear.

6.	a person or thing dreaded.

7.	dreads, Informal. dreadlocks.

8.	Informal. a person who wears dreadlocks.

9.	Archaic. deep awe or reverence.

–adjective

10.	greatly feared; frightful; terrible.

11.	held in awe or reverential fear.

Authenticity

lately

The birthday boy...




The present...(aka, my latest)




The friends that I miss...




The meat cleaver...

Shaaaaady....

from craigslist:



for an extra laugh, try this.

This fella gets me.