Contrasts

Last year I spent New Years Eve at Rachel's. There was dancing, game playing, and lip-syncing. I cuddled with a giant M&M. I made it home sometime around 2am after a nap on Rachel's futon.




This year I spent my holiday alone, alternating between sleep, tv, ebay, and painting.
I could have gone out, I had a few options actually.
Whats wrong with me?

Do I withdraw because I'm not feeling good*, or am I not feeling like this because I habitually withdraw?

I skipped every Christmas party I was invited to (except my small group's). I get the mass-text invites to stuff but I never go. My mom has been talking about meeting me for dinner sometime soon, but honestly, I don't even want to do that. I haven't been to church in...?

How much of this can I blame on introversion? Laziness? Fear?





*by "good" I mean normal...happy...hope-filled...

matchy-matchy

thoughts behind bad days

Everyone has bad days. I don't expect myself to be exempt from this, but for me, its more than a bad day. It echos feelings and thoughts from the past, when bad was an understatement and days turned to weeks, months, with no reprieve.

Bad days scare me, they remind me that I am not, and cannot be in control. I am at the mercy of God, and life.
Some people say God allows things to happen, others say he is the cause of everything...I'm still not completely sure what I believe about his involvement in our daily life. His sovereignty is certain, but at the same time He has granted us the freedom to make our own choices, and the presence of sin in our world has its own consequences...This is a theological issue that I clearly need to study more, and rather than come to a conclusion I'd rather say "I don't know," but can a person really be truely undecided on an issue like this?

All of that to say, life scares me. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what to expect as a result of my prayers. What I've been taught to believe tells me God will take care of me and everything will be ok. . . but what life has taught me is that sometimes everything isn't ok. Sometimes life hurts like hell and doesn't get better just because you pray.

Being somewhat of a workaholic for the past few weeks has allowed me to live on the surface and ignore my soul's deeper questions and processes. Its easier that way, but we are created for more.

I've had a few weeks of relief from the overwhelming presence of uncertainty, but time keeps going and running away from reality is daily becoming more difficult. Decisions need to be made, but first there need to be options. Action needs to be taken, but that means acknowledging reality and what is (or could be) to come.

I make no sense. Thats ok.

uglies

Apparently I can make any job stressful.

Opening my paycheck friday was incredibly depressing, especially after working 9 hours with no break/lunch. I'm working myself to death, and its not even enough to pay the bills. Christmas presents? Sorry guys, not this year...

I need to learn when to say no, and how to stop.

I can't feel like its a personal failure when we don't have two-toned, distressed-edge rice paper.

I need about 12 more hours of sleep, and some time just to be still.

Laundry, dishes, groceries...just the basics are overwhelming. Then I see all the different sign-up sheets at church, and that voice in my head calls me a hypocrite for talking about loving my neighbors, but not really making that happen (A shameful, opposing voice asks if I can enlist volunteers to help me).

Sometimes I forget how badly I want to please everyone, this job is making it very evident.

wishes

Just added to my amazon wishlist:



Spectacular Sins: And Their Global Purpose in the Glory of Christ, John Piper





Love One Another: Becoming the Church Jesus Longs For, Gerald Sittser (who also wrote The Will of God as a Way of Life...très bien).




Speaking of my wishlist...here's a fun story...

I had a stack of mail waiting for me when I got back from my 10 day "experience" in Texas. I let it sit for a few days, but eventually I needed to look for bills and such. Mid-way through the pile I found a "sorry we missed you" notice from the post office letting me know I had a package to pick up. I didn't remember ordering anything, but I honestly wasn't sure, especially when the clerk handed me an amazon.com box (cause let's be honest, I've gotten quite a few of those since I discovered the joys of online shopping).



When I opened it and found a gift-wrapped package shaped suspiciously like a book, I assumed my mom had bought it. But the card read,

Thanks for wishing for my book! If you enjoy it, email me & I'll send a PDF of the next one, due out in June.
Pete

Pete?


Inside I found this:




Ooooh...that Pete. As in Pete Gall, author of one of my favorite books, Gall: Five Years of Unfettered Christian Exploration Somewhere Between Youth Group and the Rest of Life.
()

In a message on Gall's amazon page he writes

Zondervan has purchased "Gall" as part of a two-book deal! This version will be significantly overhauled for a broader audience (less profanity, no typos, stronger content, shorter total length) and will be killed off a few months from now (October?), with the revised book being released in February, 2008.

This self-published version - now referred to as "the underground version" - contains characters and stories that will not remain in the revised book, and while I think the revised product is significantly stronger, some people who will prefer the rawness of "Gall" over the revision, which is slated to be called "My Beautiful Idol."

So essentially, I've already read this book. But I love it. And I re-read all or part of it as needed. So when I first heard it was being re-released (so not the correct term) I added it to my growing list of wishes.

And that wish was fulfilled, by the author himself.


Who does that?


Pete does. Because he's awesome.

To learn more about Pete and his awesomeness, read the book. Seriously. Ideally you should buy it here and help support the man, but if you're really nice I might lend you my copy.









In other news...

• I'm pretty happy about this. They creep me out.
• Fakejasonboyett's twitter is highly entertaining.
• My shoulders are going to look like this if I keep working at Michaels. Unloading the truck makes me feel hardcore.
• I worked from 9-5(30ish) today without a break or lunch til 3:30. I don't even think stopped to pee all day.
• Sleep and I are still in a fight, but if I ever expect to reconcile, I'd better go to bed now.

Mystery pants and more scattered thoughts

I might be losing my mind (which, yes, I realize, is nothing new, but really...)

Saturday night after work I stopped by Academy Sports to get another black short-sleeved polo for work. I also bought some bummy sweat pants since my apartment can't stay warm for more than 30 minutes. I don't remember if I put them on that night or the next day, but I remember wearing them off and on all weekend (I was a bum, sorry). I even remember thinking that they didn't fit as well as I'd hoped. . .
At least I thought I remembered wearing them. . . When I was cleaning us a few minutes ago and I pulled the polo out of the bag and there were the pants.

Did I dream about wearing them?
Did I put them back in the bag (under the shirt) and completely forget about it?
Am I crazy?




In other news, I actually work a lot this week (more than 20 hours anyway). I really don't mind work most of the time. I'm getting to know the store a lot better and Saturday I actually did a return without screwing anything up.

Days off are nice, but I'm not sure they're good for me. I find myself slipping into blue moods easily, ruminating over the past few months, and becoming anxious about all things future.

I've noticed this happening again. I was moving forward, but now that terror in the back of my mind screaming "run away!" is getting louder and harder to oppose.

Sleep is as fickle as a seventh grade girl. Some nights I'll only wake up once or twice, other nights I lie awake half of every hour.


For the old days: